Indiana Jones and The Army of Darkness
by Red Knight Le Yoda
Summary: While on a dig, Young Indiana Jones finds the Necronomicon and ends up in a misadventure involving time travel, Deadites, and a lunatic named Ash. The whole story is posted so read, review, and enjoy!
1. chapter I

1924. Near the Tigris river. The sun was blazing, sweat poured down the brows of many men as they dug away the earth to uncover the long forgotten remains of an ancient castle. As the native Mesopotapians worked at their labour, two Americans walked around the edges of the archaeological dig which they had worked long hard hours in the library of Princeton University to get the funding for. This was a dream come true for young Henry Jones Jr., better known as "Indiana Jones" to his friends and enemies alike. For the first time ever in his short 24 year old life, he was starting to live out his dreams as an archaeologist... well not exactly.  
  
"I cannot thank you enough for this oppourtunity Dr. Getly, working as your assistant on this dig will help me get that professorship at Princeton for shure!"  
  
"It is the least I could do after you helped me piece together all the necessary information that made this project possible. To think that we are the first living people to visit Candar in 500 years."  
  
Candar Castle, originally an outpost for the Knights of Europe after they captured it from the Moors during the First Crusade. Legend said that as the Moors fled from the Crusaders, one of them stopped and shouted that they were fools and that their prize would be their death. During the second, third, and fourth Crusades, Candar remained a steady Christian outpost, but in the years that followed, many scribes of that era claimed that a most unholy evil began to skulk upon the land. Then in the early 1400's the location of Candar disappeared from the memories of both Christian and Moor alike, and that it's very existence was no more real than myth. Piecing together the surviving copies of records of the Crusades, Dr. Ernest Getly, Professor of Archaeology, and Princeton senior university student, Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr. managed to find clues to where Candar had once stood, and by a stroke of good fortune had managed to convince the Dean and other members of the Archaeology department to fund an expedition to Mesopotapia to ascertain the validity of their research.  
  
An excited cry rang up among the diggers. Sulla, one of the diggers ran to Dr. Getly and Indy shouting "Come quick, we have found a passage! We Have Found A Passage!!" Dr. Getly dashed off with Sulla, and Indy followed soon after putting on his fedora hat and grabbing his whip and pistol. Experience had taught him that it was always a good idea to be prepared.  
They came to a hole in the lowest part of the dig where they found that torches and a rope ladder were all prepared and ready for the professor and his assistant to begin exploration. Dr. Getly descended first, followed closely by Indy, after a few minutes of investigation, they realized that they were standing in the catacombs of ancient Candar. At the end of the tunnel they noticed that the symbols on the walls began to change and that they led and surrounded a door that any ancient Christian would have claimed was the gate to hell.  
"Can you make out the writing on the walls?" Indy asked Dr. Getly as they held their torches close to the carved symbols.  
"It appears to be a kind of Cuneiform."  
"Cuneiform!? Are you sure?"  
"Positive."  
"Then that would mean that this door has been around since the Sumerians, that's at least 3000 years ago."  
"Yes, but if you take a closer look, you will notice that some of the markings leading up to the door were obviously made by Christians, centuries later. They are warnings."  
"I can see that Dr. Getly, but I can only understand the Cuneiform loosely. I think it says something about a place of safekeeping until... Doomsday... I think."  
  
A couple of hours later, Indy and Dr. Getly were joined by a team of diggers armed with crowbars. After a little effort the door was pried open and the two Americans entered with torches. The room was empty, except for a book and an evil looking dagger on a pedestal. Dr. Getly picked up the book and looked at it closely. The cover was very unusual, it felt like a kind of leather and there was a face on the front, frozen in an agonised scream.  
  
"Jones, we have made the discovery of the century! According to the experts something like this book should not exist!!" He opened the book. "The material in this book indicates that it was written before the Crusades, centuries older than anything else I have ever seen. This is practically impossible! There is not even a sign of deterioration." Dr. Getly excitedly turned the pages with a big smile. Then he stopped somewhere in the middle of the book, all expression left his face and his eyes became vacant.  
  
"Dr. Getly?" Indy said, unsure of what was going on. Dr. Getly did not react, instead he spoke words with a voice and a language that was not his own. Indy only partially understood what his older college was saying and he did not like a word of it. He felt a cold shiver down his spine. Suddenly he heard screams and the sound of footsteps running away from the small chamber. Something had spooked the diggers. Before Indy had a chance to figure out why, he saw it and felt it. Air was passing by his face quickly and coolly. A gigantic vortex of wind and smoke had appeared behind the pedestal and anything that was not extremely heavy was being pulled into it. The dagger was the first thing sucked in, the book came out of Dr. Getly's hands and followed. Getly collapsed on the floor. Indy ran to his side and checked his pulse, there was none. Before he could do anything else, he felt the pull of the vortex on him and was sucked in.  
  
***  
  
When Indy awoke he felt like he had just fallen off a cliff while on fire. A quick check told him that nothing was broken, and miraculously, he managed to stand up. As he got his bearings, he realized it was sundown and that he was on the street of a city he had never seen before. What really surprised him though was the state of disrepair everything was in. It looked like there had not been anything alive around here for a long time. He felt a familiar shiver down his back and heard a screeching noise above him. He looked up and saw something that looked like a gargoyle. He then heard a snakelike voice that came from everywhere and nowhere at once.  
  
-FRESH SOUL.-  
  
The "Gargoyle" continued to circle above like a demonic vulture, while the voice continued to chant.  
  
-FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL-  
  
Indy then realized that the "Gargoyle" was not alone. Three figures appeared almost out of thin air, two at the beginning of the street and one at the end. They slowly and stiffly approached. The chanting voice continued.  
  
-FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL FRESH SOUL-  
  
As the figures got closer, he saw that they were not completely human, their faces were grotesque masks of evil and their eyes were milk white.  
  
-WE'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!-  
  
Scared out of his mind. Indy drew his pistol and fired off three well aimed shots into the heads of his attackers. They dropped. The Gargoyle continued to circle and shriek. Just as Indy was about to holster his gun and be on his way, his attackers got up. The voice cackled insidiously.  
  
-WE ARE STILL GOING TO SWALLOW YOUR SOUL! -  
  
Knowing that he only had three shots left and that bullets were practically useless on these "things", Indy did what any red blooded American would do. He ran. The three uglies could not keep up his pace, but the Gargoyle gave chase, shrieking with sadistic glee. The voice joined in.  
  
-FEEDING TIME! FEEDING TIME! FEEDING TIME!-  
  
The Gargoyle swooped down, Indy expected it and ducked at the last moment. The Gargoyle growled in annoyance. Knowing that he could not keep on ducking and running all night, Indy ran into the nearest building he could find. He recognized it as a movie theatre, and he hoped that would give him a chance to escape. As he entered the lobby he stopped in front of a poster for a film and looked at the date. "Coming to Theatres in 2003." Indy felt like someone had punched him in the guts and for further torment had also kneed him in the groin. 2003. Impossible. Stuff like this only happened in books like "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court", not in the real world. Before the shock had ended, two arms broke through the wall and grabbed him by the throat. He heard the voice again.  
  
-NOWHERE TO RUN. FEEDING TIME! TIME TO SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!-  
  
As Indy struggled against the iron grip, barely breathing he heard footsteps coming up from behind him and he knew that could only mean more trouble. Before everything went dark, he heard the sound of a small motor, flesh being cut, a shotgun, a various number of swears and curses, and the phrase "Hail to the King Baby!"  
  
***  
Ash was having a bad day. He had been on the hunt for a good thirty- six hours now and had not had a single bit of action. All he wanted to do was find a few nasty Deadites, dismember the hell out of them, burn the remains, and then go back to his new "home". As he wandered the streets at sundown with his trusty old "Boomstick" on his back and "Buzz" attatched to his right stump, his mind flashed back to about five years ago when he awoke from his six hundred year long sleep, only to discover that it was seven hundred years instead. He could not believe how much of a moron he could be sometimes. After his initial scare had ended he managed to get a few new parts for his Delta 88, some new clothes, repaired his weapons, and even learned about what he had missed during his extra one hundred year nap.  
After a controversial election for the year 2000 U.S. Presidency, a total buffoon from a third party won the race by default. After a slew of terrorist attacks occurred, the United States and it's allies decided to ignore UN policies and attack any country that had pissed them off in the last ten years. The facts got a little murky afterwards, but judging by the wreckage and the fact that most people these days were either Survivalists, Anarchists, or hosts for Deadites, nobody had won the war, and everybody had lost. With no real place to go or job to do, Ash had decided to dedicate his life to one cause. Deadite bounty hunting. Most villages he visited were more than respectful to anyone who could bring them news, and proof that a few more Deadites no longer existed.  
Ash was about to remember his first time collecting a bounty when he heard a familiar noise. It was the scream of a harpy, a winged Deadite that usually acted as a scout for a pack. Judging from the following sounds of gunfire, Ash assumed that the Deadites had run into some trouble with their prey. If he was quick and lucky, he might get a cut of the bounty. He did not like competing for his supper, but a slice of pie was better than no pie at all. After tracking them down to an old movie theatre he realized that me might get a bigger share, his fellow bounty hunter was getting the life choked out of him by a Deadite that was the size of a wrestler. He fired up Buzz, loaded up his Boomstick, and charged at the Deadite shouting his warcry "Hail to the King Baby!"  
  
***  
  
All was dark, and then very slowly, Indy regained consciousness. As he came to and sat up, he realized that he did not have any weapons or his hat. He was in a cave somewhere, near a campfire and his stuff was piled on the other side of it, he then noticed a man close his own age was sitting next to it. He had black hair, an unusually large chin, scars all over his face, a semi-crazed look in his eyes, and a sawed off shotgun in his hands. One of which looked like a medieval gauntlet. He had both of those crazy eyes trained on Indy.  
  
"So tell me stranger", the man said "what's your name and where are ya from?"  
  
"Is that gun loaded?" Indy asked.  
  
"Yup", the stranger replied. "Now answer the question" he said in a cold threatening voice.  
  
"Indiana, Indiana Jones. I do a lot of travelling so I'm from a bit of everywhere." The man began to chuckle.  
  
"Indiana Jones! That sounds like something I'd name my dog. Just how drunk were your parents when they named you?" He put down his gun and began laughing.  
  
Indy decided that this guy must be a real lunatic, so until he could get his hands on his gun or whip, he had better just play along. He decided ask his "host' what his name was and where they were exactly.  
  
"The name is Ash, and this used to be the United States of America, and we are on the outskirts of what used to be Dearborn Michigan."  
  
"Uhhhh, what do you mean when you say used to be?"  
  
"Where have you been man? How could you not know what's been going on for the last one hundred years?"  
  
"I don't even know what year it is."  
  
"Well, to make sure that you do know, it is 2093 AD, if you go by the Roman calendar. But most people who can still count refer to this as 93 IH."  
  
"93 IH?"  
  
"Ninety-three years In Hell."  
  
Indy's jaw dropped in amazement. He could hardly believe his ears. The last time he checked, the year was 1924, but according to Ash, he had travelled 169 years into the future. His mind tried to reason out how such a thing could be possible. Then he recalled what Dr. Getly had said before the vortex had appeared. From what little he could translate, he figured that Getly had said something about opening a gate through time and space.  
  
"You have been awfully quiet for the last few minutes." Ash said after awhile. "You got something on your mind?"  
  
"You would not believe me if I told you."  
  
"Try me." He pushed Indy's belongings towards him as a goodwill gesture. Indy began telling his story, he told Ash about the dig, the book and dagger Getly and he had found, and how he had ended up being in the movie theatre. 


	2. chapter II

It was the time of day in the meadow that most people would consider to be a beautiful time. Night was coming to an end, and the sun was just beginning to rise. All was quiet and peaceful in the meadow. Then without warning, an unearthly shriek broke the silence, followed by the rumble of a powerful engine. A Harpy was flying as fast as it's wings would allow it to in order to escape the unlikely predator chasing it. The predator chasing the Harpy looked like the bastard child of a Delta 88 Oldsmobile and a monster truck with the word DEATHCOASTER spray painted on both sides  
  
"Hit on the gas a little harder. I've got this one in my sights!" Ash shouted excitedly at Indy. Indy complied. Ash had originally offered to let Indy try to shoot down the Harpy when he spotted it, but Indy decided that he would rather drive. A decision he regretted after having to take the DEATHCOASTER off-road, through hilly terrain, and learn just how far the modern automobile had improved in the last century and sixty- nine years as well as figure out how to drive it. Fortunately Ash's enthusiasm of ridding the world of one more Deadite caused him to ignore Indy's less than polished driving skills.  
  
"Woohoooo!" Ash screamed as his shot hit the Deadite Harpy right in the left wing causing it to plummet down to the ground. "OK, hit the breaks Junior!"  
  
"Don't call me Junior!!"  
  
"Fine! Just hit the --." Before Ash could finish the sentence there was a large THUNK as the DEATHCOASER hit the downed Harpy. A rather indignant screech followed and the monstrous vehicle was rolled over. When it came to a stop. Upside down. Indy was glad that none of his bones were broken, while Ash was pleased with the fact that he had not puked. As they both crawled out, they noticed that the Harpy was crawling over towards them with a vengeful glare in it's milk-white eyes.  
  
"Keep it busy while I change hands." Ash said to Indy while unscrewing his gauntlet.  
  
"Oh sure, why don't you give me the easy job!" Indy replied sarcastically. He rushed toward the oncoming winged Deadite with his whip at the ready. He cracked the whip squarely in the Harpy's face. The Harpy growled in anger and directed it's full wrath on the young man. Fortunately, Indy managed to continue dodging the creature's attacks with it's claws and reply with his whip. He was giving the Harpy another dose of his whip, when it suddenly grabbed the whip in mid-crack, and began pulling him towards it's ever anxious vengeful jaws. Before Indy could react, he was an inch away from the Harpy's open mouth. He could smell the vile stench of rotten flesh and sulphur on the winged Deadite's breath. It was too late to escape, and just as it was about to get itself a mouthful of Indiana Jones, the Harpy's head exploded off of it's neck. Indy breathed a sigh of relief, and then the decapitated body fell on top of him. When he got over the shock of being covered with green slimy blood and getting humped during the headless corpse's death twitches, he directed a few certain profanities at Ash.  
  
"Take it easy!" Ash replied. "I've saved your life twice now and this is the thanks I get. Sheesh!" He blew the smoke off of his Boomstick, gave it a spin, put it back into his holster, fired up Buzz and began cutting up the freshly dead Harpy's corpse in order free Indy. Together, they burned up the remains, put the ashes in a sack, cleaned Indy up, and turned over the DEATHCOASER. While doing all this, Indy thought back to the events from the previous evening.  
***  
"... and for the last five years now, I have been making a living off of hunting those damn demons and collecting a bounty from my kills. Now based off of what you have told me, it looks like there is going to be trouble if that book and dagger also got dropped off here with you."  
  
"Like another Army of the Dead forming?" Indy replied.  
  
"Yeah, unless we start looking for it pronto, but first, I need to make a stop at Britney Village."  
  
"What's at Britney Village?"  
  
"A regular stop for bounty hunters, plenty of goods for trade, and it's the last place where some famous diva sang her last concert before everything went bad."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"I can't remember her name. But that's not important. After we find the Necronomicon and that dagger you are going to help me."  
  
"How?"  
  
"By reading it, not out loud of course, but perhaps you will find something that will get us both back home."  
"I hope I do."  
  
After the discussion, the two lost young men took turns sleeping and keeping watch. Indy had been enjoying a rather pleasurable dream when Ash awoke him.  
  
"What's the trouble?" Indy had asked.  
  
"No trouble at all", Ash said with a grin. "Just a chance to make a little bit more profit."  
  
A Harpy screeched in the distance.  
***  
After the whole side-trip to bag the Harpy, and clean up afterwards. Indy and Ash where on their way to Britney Village to pick up some supplies and then go and find the Necronomicon and the ceremonial dagger that had been with it. When they arrived, neither could believe what they saw. What had once been a small village with a fortified wall was now a pile of wreckage, and in a nearby field there was a large collection of decapitated heads mounted on large spikes. After the shock had subsided, Ash and Indy parked the DEATHCOASTER on the outskirts of the ruins, armed themselves, and went to investigate the field of decapitated heads. Once they got to the edge of the field, Ash stopped where he was and retched.  
  
"Omigod! These guys were bounty hunters!!"  
  
-WE ARE THAT WHICH WAS AND SHALL BE AGAIN!!!- -WE SHALL NO LONGER BE THE PREY OF OUR INFERIORS!!!-  
  
The two young men turned in response to the voice and saw that a Deadite had appeared out of thin air behind them. Once upon a time, she had been an innocent little girl in pigtails. Now she was a little Deadite, complete with a grotesque face and milk white eyes. She opened her mouth and the voice spoke through her.  
  
-PREPARE YOU SOULS FOR ETERNAL DAMNATION. YOUR HEADS SHALL JOIN THIS FIELD.-  
  
Ash raised his Boomstick in response and fired. The little Deadite dodged, right into Indy's line of sight. He raised the shotgun Ash had lent him and sent a shell right into the little Deadite's head, blowing it off. It dropped to the ground and went through it's death twitches, then stopped.  
  
"Y'know", Indy said "If that was supposed to be an ambush for any other bounty hunters who passed by, don't you think there would have been a few more Deadites around?"  
  
Suddenly, as if in answer to the young archaeologist's comment, the Deadite's remains transformed into thirteen snakes. Indy let out a scream and began firing wild. Ash joined in. Moments later, the snakes had their heads blown off and both of the young men were standing back to back waiting for the next surprise. After a few moments, nothing happened. Ash relaxed, but Indy remained tense.  
  
"They're good and dead, what are you worried about?"  
  
"Nothing, I just really HATE snakes." Indy replied.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I had a bad experience with snakes when I was fourteen." Indy then began relating his misadventure with a reptile house and some grave robbers. While he was talking, one of the severed serpent's heads nearby began to twitch. It then managed to spring at Indy's left arm and bite before it disintegrated. Indy screamed in agony and held his arm. Ash raised his Boomstick and aimed at Indy's head.  
  
"What are you doing?" Indy demanded.  
  
"Sorry, I can't trust you now", Ash answered. "I told you what happens when anything Deadite bites the living or if the Evil gets hold of you. You become possessed and do the Evil's dirty work. I'm sorry Junior, but I have to kill you."  
  
"I told you NOT to call me JUNIOR!" Indy kicked Ash in the groin and ran towards the ruins of Britney Village.  
  
"Damn Bastard!" Ash groaned as he slowly picked himself up and followed as best as he could. Indy had managed to get a decent lead, but he was beginning to feel the affects of the bite, he was sick to his stomach, his left arm felt like it was on fire one second, and in a block of ice the next. His vision blurred, and he began to lose balance. He was on his knees five minutes before he realized it, and a blurred image stood before him, he recognized Ash's voice.  
  
"Like I said before Jones, I'm sorry." Just as Ash was about to pull the trigger, Indy let out a scream that could be heard within a hundred miles. The last time Ash had heard a scream like that, his Aunt had been giving birth in the back of his Delta 88 Oldsmobile when he was 16. That had been a scary experience.  
Right before Ash's eyes he saw Indy begin to split in two like a reproducing animal cell. In the blink of an eye where there had once been one Indiana Jones, there was two, one passed out on the ground wearing a fedora had, and the other standing before Ash fedoraless, with an evil glint in his eye and a sinister grin on his face.  
  
"Let me guess, you are the EVIL Indiana Jones."  
  
"Wrong answer big chin!", the fedoraless Indy replied. He moved like greased lightning and picked up Indy's revolver, shot the Boomstick out of Ash's hand, and tripped him to the ground. Before Ash could fire up Buzz and get back on his feet, the fedoarless fiend placed his foot on Ash's right stump and aimed the Boomstick right between his eyes.  
  
"Do you know what happened to all of the non-bounty hunters that lived in this village?" the Doppelganger asked. Ash glared and did not reply. "Let me show you." The fedoraless Indy snapped his fingers and a rather large gang of Deadites came out of the ruins. "They joined my club." A puzzled look came over Ash's face. "Oh, I see that you don't understand",  
  
-PERHAPS YOU CAN RECOGNIZE ME BETTER IF I SPOKE WITH MY SINGING VOICE-  
  
Ash recognized the voice. He had heard it before, but only now he knew from when and where. Annie Knowby had just finished the first passage, the one that turned the Evil into a being of flesh, just as she was about to begin the second passage to open the time-space rift to send the Evil away, the cabin door was busted open and a monsterous creature entered. It had one huge insidious eye and a tumourlike lump of tormented souls where the other eye should be. The creature's voice now spoke through the lips of a doppelganger Indiana Jones.  
  
-WHAT I FAILED TO ACCOMPLISH IN THE 1300'S THROUGH YOUR EVIL DOUBLE, I SHALL DO NOW THROUGH YOUR FRIEND'S EVIL DOUBLE .-  
  
The doppelganger Indy walked towards the real Indy and knelt down beside him while the Deadites restrained Ash.  
  
-ALAS POOR JUNIOR! YOU HAD TO BE SO STUBBORN AND RESIST MY POSSESSION OF YOUR FINE BODY. YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE BUT TO CREATE A DOUBLE FROM YOU. IN ALL LIKELIHOOD YOU WILL NEVER WAKE UP, AND SLOWLY DIE FROM LACK OF FOOD AND WATER. FAREWELL.-  
  
The doppelganger removed the fedora from Indy's head and placed it on his own. He pointed to the motionless young man.  
  
-LEAVE HIM. HE IS OF NO FURTHER USE TO US.-  
  
He stood up and pointed at Ash.  
  
-TIE THIS ONE UP. HE SHALL ACCOMPANY US TO OUR ZIGGURAT.-  
  
The Deadites obeyed. Ash was tied to a spit and carried away by the gang of Deadites lead by their unholy leader, the doppelganger Jones. The sun began to set and night was about to begin. Indy stirred and then slowly awakened.  
  
"He took my hat. He called me Junior. He is going to die." 


	3. chapter III

The bed was very comfortable and Ash did not want to get out of it. The alarm clock went off, but Ash slept through it. Sunlight poured in through the bedroom windows and the birds began to sing. Ash slept through it. Linda sat up and stretched. She leaned over and whispered a friendly "Wake up sleepyhead" into his ear. Ash woke up and kissed his wife the same way he had kissed her after Rev. Duncan had declared them wed.  
  
"Ewwwwwwwww, gross!" said a little 8 year old boy at the bedroom door.  
  
"Then knock first before you open up Scott", Ash replied to his son. Linda chuckled. Young Scott was nothing like his namesake, Ash's old friend Scotty, and if Linda had her way, Scott would grow up to be a perfect gentleman like his father.  
  
"C'mon and lets get some breakfast", Scott said in his best whiny voice. "I could really go for some cereal and DADDY'S SOUL!"  
  
-ME TOO!- Linda chimed in. But Linda was no longer Linda, and neither was the little boy a little boy. They had turned into Deadites, and the bedroom melted away to reveal a blazing hellpit that only Dante's Cantos could describe. Ash was chained to a rockface, and the two Deadites approached with meat cleavers. Ash could feel the blades cut into his flesh, and he could hear the two monsters cackle sadistically as the blood spilled. He tried to scream, but no sound came from him. Everything went black.  
  
Ash awoke with a start. He almost wished that what he woke up to was just another nightmare. His body was chained to a wall with a pentogram symbol painted in blood on it. The wall was part of the upper chamber of the Ziggurat, a towerlike structure that he only half-remembered being carried into. Between his psychotic nightmares, he was half-awake for most of the two day long march. But burned into his mind was the first time he saw what his captors called The Ziggurat. It looked like a demonic church steeple that had somehow shot out of hell and sprung up like a damnable beanstalk. He was carried in through large front doors that belonged on Dracula's own castle, taken upstairs, released from his bonds, and then chained to the wall. Ash figured that they were keeping him alive for something very special, otherwise he would have joined the Deadite club by now. They were feeding and watering him, and even supplied a bedpan. This only made him more worried. He tried escape as soon as he was left alone, but his struggles only caused the chains to tighten. After a week of just hanging around, Ash got a visit from Indy's Doppelganger. The Doppelganger had replaced his clothing with the red robes of a sorcerer, but he still wore Indy's fedora hat.  
-HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR ROOM?- the fedora topped fiend asked with a hint of sarcasm. -DOES IT MEET ALL OF YOUR NEEDS?-  
  
"I was expecting something bigger. And the view is terrible, The only thing I can see is the moon in that skylight every night." Ash retorted.  
  
The doppelganger laughed. -STILL PLAYING THE BOLD, FEARLESS HERO I SEE. HOW CHARMING. ENJOY WHAT LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT HERO, TONIGHT IS YOUR LAST NIGHT HERE!-  
  
"Oh, you're going to release me and throw a going away party in my honour, that's great!"  
  
-YOU ARE PARTIALLY CORRECT ABOUT going away, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT YOU WILL FIND THE PARTY DISAPPOINTING.- The sinister lookalike Jones placed his hands within his cloak and drew out two very familiar objects. The Nerconomicon and it's dagger companion. The doppelganger opened the book to the last page and held it up to Ash's face. -NOTICE ANYTHING?- It asked.  
  
"It's blank."  
  
-CORRECT! IT IS WRITTEN IN THIS BOOK THAT US EVIL SPIRITS ARE BOUND TO ONLY HALF-EXIST UNTIL THE FINAL PAGE IS WRITTEN. THE WORDS WRITTEN ON THIS PAGE WILL DETERMINE OUR FATE IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING, BUT THERE IS ONE LITTLE CATCH. THE FINAL PASSAGE MUST BE WRITTEN IN THE BLOOD OF THE HERO FROM THE SKIES, THAT BEING YOU BIG CHIN.-  
  
"Gee thanks!"  
  
-THE REASON WHY IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PROFESIEISED TO BE A MAN WHO CAN BEAT THE ODDS AND SURVIVE ANYTHING! FATE HAS NO HOLD UPON YOUR DESTINY, BUT THAT YOU CAN ALTER FATE BY MERELY BEING ALIVE. TONIGHT IN THE LIGHT OF A FULL MOON, YOU SHALL BLEED TO DEATH ON THIS DAGGER, AND I SHALL BREAK THE BOND OF THIS BOOK UPON MYSELF AND MY DEMON BRETHREN. WE SHALL WALK THE EARTH FREE TO DO OUR BIDDING ONCE AGAIN!!!-  
  
It laughed and howled as it left the chamber, revelling in it's evil like some cheesy saturday morning cartoon villain. Ash really wanted to be loose of his chains at the moment more than ever. Just so that he could kill that forgery of his brief travelling companion, Indiana Jones.  
Night arrived and the Doppelganger Jones returned with a dozen Deadites garbed in plain red robes similar to their leader's. Doppelganger Jones climbed the small staircase, stood before Ash and addressed his followers with a long and obviously well planned out speech about how they were about to prove themselves the superiors of the foul vermin called humanity and how they were going to feast and revel upon the breaking of their bond to the Necronomicon. Just as he was about to continue his rant, an alarm went off, a small Deadite entered the chamber shouting at the top of it's voice that they were under attack. Doppelganger Jones ordered his audience to assist in the Ziggurat's defences, they left and closed the doors behind them. After they had left, the fedora topped fiend barricaded the doors. Nothing was going to interfere with the ceremony. Not a thing. It extinguished the torches so that only the light of the full moon would be present and upon the chosen sacrifice. It then opened the Necronomicon to the last page and placed it upon a pedestal. The doppelganger picked up the dagger and advanced towards Ash. The full moon's ambience was on Ash like a spotlight and it glinted upon the dagger's blade as it was raised and ready to strike his heart.  
  
-CONSIDER YOURSELF FORTUNATE, YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO WITNESS THE SLAUGHTER OF YOUR FELLOW CREATURES.-  
  
Before Ash could speak a snappy comeback, the light of the moon was suddenly turned off and the skylight was smashed open. A single figure dropped into the chamber, landed on it's feet and unhooked a whip from it's belt. Indiana Jones had come to reclaim his hat. Quick as lightning the whip was suddenly wrapped around the duplicate Jones' feet, and he was being pulled across the floor towards the newcomer. The captured threw the dagger at Indy. He dodged and released the whip with the flick of the wrist. Doppelganger Jones got to his feet and lunged at Indy like a fighting mad madman, forcing Indy to drop his whip. They were locked in combat like wrestlers, neither willing to be defeated. Indy managed to break his evil clone's grip and deliver a few punches. Doppelganger Jones was unfazed, by the attack and chuckled.  
  
-FOOL! I AM INCAPABLE OF FEELING PAIN!- As if to drive this fact home, he sent Indy flying across the room with a kick that would have strained a normal man. Indy hit the wall and slid down to the floor unconscious. His assailant approached. -OH DEAR, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE IN NO CONDITION TO CONTINUE TSK TSK. I WILL JUST HAVE TO SNAP YOUR NECK AND GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY. YOU SHALL SLEEP IN HELL TONIGHT JUNIOR!-  
  
"NEVER call me JUNIOR!" Indy lept to his feet brandishing the ceremonial dagger. He decapitated his double with one swift stroke, stabbed the headless corpse repeatedly, and just for the fun of it, cut off the arms and feet. Doppelganger Jones' remains twitched and bled, while the bodiless head shouted curses and certain four letter words.  
  
-NO FAIR! YOU WERE PLAYING POSSUM YOU PRICK!- The head shouted between curses. Indy walked up and plucked his fedora off of it.  
  
"Oh dear, it appears your going on a little trip."  
  
-HUH?-  
  
Indiana Jones used his best soccer kick and sent the head zooming into the nearest wall. A scream and a wet crunch followed. He released Ash.  
  
"Sorry I was a little late, it took me awhile to find some bounty hunters who would be interested in making the biggest Deadite kill in recent history. Judging from the sound coming from downstairs, nobody has won yet. Let's get out of here. I don't really care who wins." He was about to attach the whip to the skylight when Ash grabbed him by the arm with his good hand.  
  
"Hold on, I've got an idea."  
  
A squad of skeletal Deadites climbed the stairs to the upper chamber. The Master was long overdue in performing the ceremony and they were barely holding off the invaders on the lower floors. They came to the chamber doors, and knocked. No response. The squad leader discovered the door was unlocked. They entered and gaped in surprise at the sight of the Master's body chopped up and in little pieces, and that a nasty looking human was holding up the Necronomicon to the human that had been selected for sacrifice.  
  
"It looks like you've got an audience Ash. Why don't you read them a story." Indy said. Ash cleared his throat and began to read the freshly written last page of the Necronomicon.  
  
"The Deadites failed to break the power of the Necronomicon and ceased to exist. Ashley Williams and Henry Jones Jr. were returned to their respective places in time and space and lived happily ever after to the rest of their days. THE END"  
  
The skeleton Deadites screamed in rage and charged at the two young men. They disintegrated. Suddenly, Ash and Indy could not tell up from down and right from left. everything became a flash of colours, stars, smoke, then nothing.  
  
***  
  
It was sunset and Sulla waited at his tent. After Dr. Getly and his assistant had disappeared in the ruins a great sandstorm had blown in, buried the ruins, and killed most of the diggers. All of the survivors had left, except Sulla. For some reason he could not explain, he knew that he had to wait. He had been waiting for two days and knew that he could not wait any longer. His supplies would not last. Nor could his hope of ever again seeing his friend Indiana Jones. Sulla was about to sit down to dinner when a familiar shadow appeared at his feet.  
  
"I sure hope you have enough for two, I'm starved."  
  
Sulla leaped to his feet and embraced Indy. Indy was glad to be back, and that he had managed to put the book and dagger in a deeper chamber of the ruins before the sandstorm had nearly buried him with it.  
  
***  
  
The first thing Ash noticed after the trippy experience was that he was standing in a field somewhere that reminded him of Iowa. He then heard the sound of horsehooves and rifles. He ran in the direction of the noise and came upon a group of people dressed up like cavemen being herded by strange folk mounted on horses and dressed in armour. He ran up to the closest mounted figure and tapped it's back.  
  
"Excuse me Chief, I'm a little lost. Can you tell me where I am?" The figure turned in the saddle quickly. A large chimpanzee glared at Ash and shouted "GET YOUR FILTHY HAND OFF OF ME YOU DIRTY HUMAN!!!" Ash fell to his knees and screamed a loud: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Wake up and get off the display!" Ash woke up with a start and realized he was in S-MART with an annoyed sales rep looking at him. He was glad to be home.  
  
EPILOGUE  
  
1977. Professor Knowby was in his study looking over essays and marking them. The door opened suddenly and Edward Getly, his assistant rushed in excitedly screaming at the top of his lungs "I've DONE it Professor! I've decoded my great uncle's shorthand notes, they have detailed information on how to locate Candar!" The professor and his assistant jumped for joy. They were going to lead an expedition and succeed where Dr. Ernest Getly and the legendary Indiana Jones had failed. 


End file.
